I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
