Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Randomize
