I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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