Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
