I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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