just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize