oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
