sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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