Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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