It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
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