just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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