i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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