I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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