these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
