I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
