when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
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for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
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I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!