i permit you to call me
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
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She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him