it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
3 2 1 whiskey
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..