his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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