i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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