I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?