I smell stomach acid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Found your dick twin last night
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.