My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
