Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
