I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
