I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
