Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
