FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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