I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
