i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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