low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she pinky promised me she was 18
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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