Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
