They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
