Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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