You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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