This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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