How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
