I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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