My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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