Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
