we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
