he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
