I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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