Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
two words: eviction party
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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