I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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