Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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