I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
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Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
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It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018