I wish I could teleport
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
