K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
