I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
