Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
