Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
