I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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