I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
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It was like giving head to a cactus.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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