The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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