His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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